Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Top Ten Reasons Why I Would Suck as a YA Heroine



Top Ten Tuesday is hosted by The Broke and the Bookish and thought up by my wonderfully inventive bookish BFF Jamie!

This is a freebie week, so I'm going to go ahead and use this as an opportunity to go ahead and address a topic that's been swimming in my head for awhile. No one should write a YA book about me or even loosely base a YA character off my traits. I would make a horrendous YA heroine. Here's why:


1) I Don't Run. Guys, all YA heroines are runners. Like, they RUN for FUN. If I had to use a doctor's note to get out of running in 8th grade track (hey, I only wanted to do high jump and I had asthma attacks sometimes!) then there's no freaking way I'd be able to go on a daily, brooding 10-mile run like these girls do. I couldn't even outrun a mythical beast if my life depended on it. No one wants to read about the heroine that dies in the big chase scene.

2) I Can't Solve Riddles/Mysteries. What's with all these ladies that are in the depths of despair and looking certain death right in the face, yet STILL have that lightbulb moment at the last moment and save the world? YEAH FREAKING RIGHT. My mind goes completely blank when I feel endangered or threatened. I'd probably just run away. And we all know how that ends.

3) I Have No Super Secret Abilities. I can touch my tongue to my nose on command. But I don't think that will help slay any dragons anytime soon.

4) I Have Blonde Hair. You know the prototype for YA novels is you have to be naturally wispy thin with more voluminous long, dark hair than anyone knows what to do with. My hair is light and I am sturdier than a size 00. (How is that even a size?)

5) I Wear Considerable Amounts of Makeup. You know the girl who is like "I only wear chapstick?" NOT ME. Nope. My morning routine is the whole shebang. Foundation, concealer for the uneven skin tone, powder, 3 different eyeshadow colors, TONS of mascara. YA heroines are naturally beautiful and don't need makeup or have big pores. I don't wake up and have songbirds singing of my timeless beauty. I have my husband running in the opposite direction because IT IS SCARY.

6) I've Never Read Anything the Bronte Sisters Have Written. Total deal breaker.

7) I Wasn't a Straight-A Student or Have My Sights Set on the Ivy League. Please. I had no time to be both studying and taking all the naps I did in high school. I didn't have Edward pressuring me to kick ass on all my tests and put in all my applications to Harvard and Dartmouth and Yale. I was a lazy student. Paranormal creatures do not like that.

8) My Relationship with a Control Freak Wouldn't Last Long. Wait, I'm cut off from all my friends and you don't like my Beer Saturdays? NEXT.

9) One Brush with Death and I'd Need Therapy. The successful YA heroine overcomes danger by taking that experience, learning from it, and becoming a stronger person mentally and sword-wieldingly. I would need Xanax and to use a good chunk of FMLA.

10) I'm Old. But maybe I could play a secondary character in the TV show or movie? 20-somethings as teen characters ALWAYS work out.

38 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAH "I'm old." I LOVE THIS.

    PS: Wah, wish I'd checked back and saw this was a freebie week too!

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  2. BAHAHA this whole list is AMAZING. "No one wants to read about the heroine that dies in the big chase scene."

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  3. This is the best Top Ten list I have read in ages!:P I do run, and I totally was an overachiever in high school, but other than that I'm pretty sure I'd make a horribly boring YA heroine. Oh, except for how I started rifle shooting when I was seven - that could come in handy!

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  4. Bahaha! FAB list. Maybe you won't be a heroine, but what about a sidekick? I'm sure you could be a KICKASS sidekick! Just finished Last Sacrifice and Dimitri picked Rose up and RAN! No need to worry about running away from a fire breathing dragon or such, no way! A hot dude will pick you up and carry you! TADA! :)

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  5. Umm, this may quite possibly be the greatest thing I have ever seen.

    You win.

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  6. Loooooove your post !!! you had me cracking up at 6:30 in the morning thank you :D I would be the worst YA heroine of all time for precisely the same reasons he he he

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  7. LOVE this! Funniest top ten list I've seen in a looong time :p

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  8. HAHA this is possibly the best Top Ten List I've EVER seen. Love all your reasons, some totally fit for me too (running? AS IF. Also probably a reason I'm not the wispy-thin, willowy character all heroines are). Your special talent made me think of Mushu from Disney's Mulan ("DRA-GON...I don't do that tongue thing!"), so this could fit you into the comic relief sidekick!

    My Top Ten [Book Things I Want To Do]

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  9. BAHAHHAAHH Best TOP TEN LIST EVER!!!! I particularly identify with the no running, the whole I have to wear a lot of makeup (although I've seen you with no makeup and you look gorgeous still so SHUSH) and I would never ever be able to be brilliant in the face of death. I'd be curled in a corner probably peeing my pants. Oh yeah and I'm OLD too!

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  10. Brilliant, Jen. I think you nailed every trait. Hold on, isn't there a troubled younger sibling or a parent obcessed with 80's music?

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  11. Oh my gosh. This post is hilarious and I totally relate! Thanks for making my morning just that much funnier :)

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  12. Love your post Jen! Best thing to read first thing in the morning - had me laughing so much that it helped me to wake up faster. :) Love you!

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  13. LOL you are too funny my friend :) #10 is the best!

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  14. Hahahaha, me too for all of these! Though I can think of a few YA heroines who are nothing like this too, so there is hope for us!

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  15. I'm afraid of everything it seems like anymore...the older I get the more scared I become...no heroine for me. These are all so great, I can't stop laughing/smiling!

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  16. LOL I loved this list! Best thing I've read in a while!

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  17. This has got to be the BEST TTT I have seen yet! Absolutely hilarious!

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  18. "I would need Xanax and to use a good chunk of FMLA.'

    hahaha, I laughed out loud at my desk at work. You are too much!

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  19. *gigglesnort* Best TTT ever! This was absolutely fantastic. Several of these definitely apply to me, as well. (What is WITH that running for fun thing? I will never know.)

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  20. So funny! I agree with almost everything you said. I'll only run if being chased by zombies (and even then I'll do what I can do hide/cheat). Love it!

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  21. Hilarious list! Makes me wish I'd thought of this! :P

    My Top Ten

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  22. ROFLMAO! Yeah. I used to run...when I was 8!
    Angela @ AJ Arndt Books Blog

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  23. I LOVE YOU.

    I'D LIKE THIS ENTIRE POST IN POSTER SIZE, PLEASE!

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  24. Hahahahahahaha, I LOVE THIS. I could never be a YA heroine either-- for pretty much every reason on this list. I'm trying to be able to run these days with the couch to 5k method, but can BARELY last 3 minutes. I feel like the people who can go on LEGIT runs have their own superpower.

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  25. I LOVE this list. First of all, you were smart enough to realize that it was a freebie week (which I did not and then changed it to a freebie anyway and felt like a big fat cheater for doing so) and secondly, I totally agree with you on the makeup thing. I mean, I can leave the house without it if I'm OK with looking like a hag who just crawled out of bed and all, but why is every YA heroine not only attractive without makeup, but utterly drop dead gorgeous without it? I know not a single person like this (but then again, I'm old too). You are so funny.

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  26. This is hilarious-- thank you! I realize I always write about how relatable YA characters are, but maybe I should stop that... running is not fun, I'm not thin despite my love of pizza, I'm pretty unremarkable in the dragon/zombie/vampire-slaying department, and while I was a good student, I never had Ivy League ambitions because I didn't have Ivy League sized pockets/pretentiousness. In my fantasy world, of course, I totally relate to all those things!

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  27. IT'S SO TRUE. They're ALWAYS runners!

    Good news is that I think a lot of us fail at that, so perhaps we wouldn't be alone in those chase scenes. :P

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  28. This is the greatest post I have ever read. The end.

    Also, I have noticed the running thing too! And I DON'T GET IT. Why would you run for fun? And why are all these teenagers in better shape than me? (oh yeah, they run and I take naps instead)

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  29. I love your list so much that I don't even know where to start. Most of your reasons would be the same for me. I don't run...like ever and I cannot solve puzzles. Who has time for that? I love number 5 the most! :D

    My Top Ten

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  30. I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. This is one of my favorite posts ever! I agree with everything on your list, but I'll give you a high five for the one about makeup. It's one thing that always drives me crazy. Just chapstick... really?!

    One last addition: I couldn't be a YA heroine because I didn't have boys fighting over me in high school. Every time I read about a love triangle I giggle a little bit because I think almost every YA girl has AT LEAST two boys pursuing her hah!

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  31. This is probably the best Top Ten Tuesday ever. I cannot stop laughing. I love it :)

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  32. *nods* YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED for THE SELECTION.

    So sad. You would've made an excellent heroine, Jen, but I can see how these points would set you up for failure.

    PSYCHE YO' MIND.

    Giiiirl, PLEASE. You don't run? I don't even jog in place. You hear that sound? That's a SIMPLE JOKE flying right over my head. Me and mysteries? We wouldn't have a very long and prosperous relationship. Secret abilities? I can't even curl my tongue, let alone touch it to my nose. YOU'VE GOT GIFTS. You may have a point about the blond hair XD Makeup? I'm that typical heroine you just mentioned. I'm makeup free, at least during school. I'VE NEVER READ ANY SERIOUSLY OLD LITERATURE. One time exception? The Picture of Dorian Gray, and that did not end well. Ivy League is struggling into a canoe to get away from me and my horrendous track record. Control freaks and death don't do much for my sanity. AND. You would rock as the big sister everyone likes better ;D

    LOOOOVE this mother washin' post! Do it again?

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  33. Bahaha. This post had me laughing my butt off! They DO always run, don't they? That's never been me at all. Sure, I did track, but I only did it to run the 100 meter hurdles. The two "warm-up" laps we did to start every practice nearly killed me!

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  34. Oh my gosh ... this is hilarious! I loved the first and second one because I am so not a runner. I've tried -- SO MANY TIMES! -- but it just doesn't stick. I would also die in the first chase scene.

    I gotta laugh when the heroines in movies look good ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. Like, they just roll out of bed emanating beauty with, like you said, the songbirds fawning all over them. I'm sorry, but NO ONE looks that good in the morning!

    I have to agree with Hannah's comment, too ... I was definitely never, ever part of a love triangle in high school, so I could never be a YA heroine!

    Awesome list!!

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