Monday, August 20, 2012

Seventeen Things I've Learned From True Blood: Seasons One & Two

This will be chock full of spoilers, people. But I've got to get my thoughts out.

1. I should count my blessings every day that for the 5 years I was a waitress, I didn't get my neck snapped or my heart ripped out.

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2. The aunt from Twister has not aged a day. Good call moving out of Wakita, KS after that F5, Gran, though I think you would've been safer from violent, rotating vortices than in Bon Temps. That being said, I think Sookie should hook up with her cousin (I think cousin) Helen Hunt, because I think Vampire Bill would probably be a valuable addition to a storm chasing team.

3. Vampires cannot wash blood out of their hair while it's being foiled. And good thing, too. Long-haired Eric just didn't do the things that short-haired Eric does. (See: impregnates women worldwide on sight. When are you due?)

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4. Bon Temps residents are tolerable of pretty much any and everything. You are a crazy stoned social worker and you want to house me and feed me and find the right path in life? Go ahead and move into my best friend's house and trash it while she's on vacation. It's cool, as long as I can keep sleeping with the tall handsome guy named Eggs. (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, TARA?!) Honestly, the Maryann thing was the worst twist ever.

5. Lafayette's insults never get any less awesome.

6. Bill saying "Sookehhh" will never get any more attractive. Blergh. Also "I AM VAMPIRE." Lulz.

7. Best friends? What best friends? All the best friends in Bon Temps are either demon-possessed or murderers.

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8. Any scene with Sookie and Eric immediately makes up for the Maryann monstrosity and makes me all fluttery in my stomach.

9. Sam Merlotte will never, ever, ever, ever find love. And that is very sad, because he's the only person besides Terry Bellfleur who consistently shows up for work. AND he could be your boyfriend and man's best friend, but you don't have to buy dog food or take him to the vet! And he'll hire you on the spot, regardless of your sketchy history or, you know, lack of social security information. WHAT A NICE GUY. Is this crossing into weird territory? TOO BAD, because I love Sam Merlotte.

10. Hoyt Fortenberry is awesome and ALSO makes me feel very accomplished for 27 years old. I pay my own cell phone bill and live on my own, woot!


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12. Janis Ian is actually really pretty. (And she agrees. She thinks she's really pretty.) She also traded her goth stereotype for something a little more hippie, which is fitting. Except for the evilness. She's kind of an evil hippie.

13. WHY DID THE MARYANN THING HAPPEN? I hope it's over. Forever. Plus, there was a lot of Very Bad Nudity going on when she was around.

14. Even in TV, it's only the crazy "Christians" that get screen time, which is why everyone hates them. And preacher's wives are scandalous and have big hair, also because it's full of secrets.

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15. Jason Stackhouse could possibly be my favorite television redneck of all time. But he has a few weird "too close" brother/sister moments with Sookie.

16. Bill's maker is HORRIBLY annoying.

17. No matter the WTFery, the facepalming, the Very Bad Nudity, the Sam heartbreak (DAMNIT, somebody love Sam NOW!), the lack of acceptable number of Sookie and Eric scenes, the Tara idiocy, the Tara's mom's idiocy, I still cannot stop watching this train wreck of a show. I think I'm in for the long haul. Sigh. And I finally understand the Alexander Skarsgard fandom.


  1. Yes, Alexander Skarsgard is HOT! And True Blood just keeps getting weirder and weirder! I don't know if you've read the books but I think they're better than the show.

  2. Bahahahaha! I LOVE this! And I agree with you 100% on everything. I still need to watch this latest season but I'm a little scared off because I keep hearing that it has gotten worse. :(


  3. ERIC.

    And those Trueblood Christians were crazy. Not fun crazy, but forreal crazy.

    I agree with lizziedee that the books are probably better than the show but they don't have the HOT ERIC. They have Eric-in-print. So, there's that.

    I agree with every single point. More lists, please!

  4. That picture of Eric and Sookie is, like, perfect. God, I love them together. Bill gets more and more irritating as the show goes on, although the number of times he utters "Sookeh" and--UGHBLERGHBLAH--"I am vampire" (GAG) go down considerably. Also, HOYT! *sigh* I love him fiercely. I'm hooked on this show and don't think I could ever stop watching, even when it bugs me to no end. Also, I can't wait for you to meet Alcide and Russell Edgington!

  5. great list! i totally had a cool comment in here but chrome ate it. i agree that sam needs love. call me, sam!

  6. This si the thing. I realized that I spend every episode going "omg this sucks. are you kidding me?" and then they throw in ASkars at the end and I get all excited for the next week. That being said, I am forgoing HBO this season.

    Also, Sam is adorable. If I were Sookie I'd go for Sam or Alcide.

  7. But this is coming from a girl who is still holding onto the GQ ASkars was in. :D

  8. My hair is big because of all of my scandalous secrets, too. Just FYI.

  9. Your posts crack me up and this one is no exception! I am obsessed with True Blood, just wait until you get to the next couple seasons, things get even more bat shit crazy and intense. BUT there's lots more Eric to be had!
    Happy watching :)

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